i wrote this during a panic attack

please forgive me

since all i can manage right now

are

“i’ll be fine”

and

“i’m trying”

it’s hard to explain myself;

my throat insists

on constricting

hesitation persists

and the words run dry

don’t even reach my lips

they told me these were panic attacks

but i guess they didn’t really say

it’s your own mind commanding this assault

and your body has no choice

but to follow suit

the adrenaline tells you to run

and

the fear shackles you down

and

and

and

i wish i could just remain

comfortably numb

but my heart pounds

and pounds

and pounds

in double time

and my lungs

inhale

exhale

over

and

over

and

over

struggling to keep pace

with my own racing mind

(sometimes i wonder,

can one can asphyxiate

from the weight of one’s thoughts?)

i am barely staying afloat

in an ocean of my own anxiety –

thoughts i thought were formless

now hitched like rusty anchors round my feet –

but with each crashing wave, i fight

to keep my head above water

for i am my own buoy, my own lifeline

so please forgive me

since all i can manage right now

are

“i’ll be fine”

and

“i’m trying”

(and i promise you, i am.)